Monday, February 23, 2015

Probably Wouldn't Be This Way


I probably wouldn't be this way. But I'm glad I am.

Because of Mikey I am a better person. He was so patient. I was so harsh. Over the years when my temper would fly he would calmly reword whatever it was I was upset about. He showed me that there were always two sides to everything. I still have a wicked temper. But after my initial outburst I can now analyze the issue and usually work through it much faster than before.

He taught me love. Not just loving him, that was easy. Loving mankind. So many people are what we feel undesirable to love. Those were the ones he loved more than any other. I may still not love as unconditionally as he did but I'm still better and that is because of him.

Strays. Human or animal. It didn't matter. If there was a need he did everything he could to make their life better even if there was no hope. I always thought I was a giving and generous person. I knew nothing about truly giving until I met him. He gave until it hurt. The coat he was wearing to someone that was shivering or the gloves off his hands to someone that had no choice but to stand outside for hours. We never amassed any amount of money because if we had something and someone else didn't then they got it. Yet we never went without. We were always blessed with whatever our need might have been.

Then there was singing. Oh his voice. He sang with his heart and never really thought he was a great singer. Perhaps he wasn't. Perhaps it was my love for him that made his voice sound like the most beautiful voice I had ever heard.

(If you want to hear him sing check the upper left column.)

Then there were others that he encouraged. "You don't have to sing well, you just need to sing loud!" He made everyone feel like a superstar. Including myself. I was always the shy one that stayed as far back as possible as I could. I could get on a stage and act because I was being someone else. But singing? That was ME on the stage that people were going to judge or hold their ears in pain. But I did it. Near the end I would get into bed with him and beam youtube karaoke to the TV and we would sing. It was harder and harder for him to sing and he would tell me "Sing just one more" after every song. So much that I usually couldn't speak afterwords from my throat being raw.

A song that I often sang was Probably Wouldn't Be This Way by LeAnn Rimes. After he was diagnosed I could no longer sing it. It became too real even though he hadn't passed. (This was the anticipatory grief.) He would ask me to sing it in our bedroom singing sessions. I would try. I couldn't. I would fall apart. He would hold me and tell me how sorry he was for putting me through this. My heart would hurt more. I would try to reassure him that I didn't blame him. Never had and never would. Still, he took all the blame on himself. My pain at his impending death would bring him to tears. I did my best to be strong around him. To smile. To sing. Like now though, the tears would still find a way to escape. Music was the usual culprit in making that happen.

He didn't want people to mourn his death. He wanted them to sing. So sing we did. People told me they felt they had never sang better than they did that night for his memory. I even found the courage to sing Boondocks which was our signature song. I sang it with Rick and Maurice and I got through it. They even threw in the part that Mikey had changed and to listen to original song without that part is so very odd. It made me feel good because it was what Mikey wanted.

Then there is this new word that I'm called. This word cuts through me. I've tried to find a different word. I found "dowager" and "relict." Fine. Call me a widow. But I don't feel like one. I feel that I am still a married woman. Married to Mikey. I know what the law says. I don't care. I have no interest in not being considered married. So if you must, but only if you must, refer to me as a widow. But try not to use that word around me. I have found it's an evil necessity for paperwork. I hate it.

Yes, I still talk to him. I have conversations because I know exactly what he would say to me. Perhaps it IS him speaking back to me. Perhaps it is just that I know him so well.

Yes, I think about him every moment of every day.
Yes, I still crawl into his bed and stay still to feel him near me. The animals do too.

Yes, I probably wouldn't be this way if I had never seen his face. But I am so very thankful that God let me borrow this angel for so many years. This earth angel that taught me so much about love and life.

Yes, I listen to him sing, over and over. I thank God I will always have his music.

Yes, someday I will be okay. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. I don't know when. I just know I have promises made to him that I will keep.



Probably Wouldn't Be This Way - Lyrics

Got a date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to see

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days

[CHORUS 1:]
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day

[CHORUS 2:]
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes I feel an angel's touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Probably wouldn't be this way

Got A Date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says I'm crazy

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