Everything and everyone around me sits in this thick fog that I have to cut through. Fake smiles covering overwhelming pain. Emotions that are all over the place. Never knowing exactly how I feel versus how I should feel. I don't know what to do next. Trips to the store for needs and the anxiety that hits me while I'm there to hurry and get back home so I am not away from him for too long and the reality that hits me that I no longer have to hurry back because he is no longer there.
Mikey took care of so much before he left and there was not much left to do but even those few things were so hard to figure out. They MUST be perfect. Misprints, errors, typos, rumors. He would have been so upset by them. They have upset me. My grammar brought him to the brink of insanity and he would frantically edit everything I wrote. My editor is no longer by my side shaking his head at my written words and questioning my meaning of saying something a certain way.
He was not only my husband. He was my best friend. My confidant. My heart. My love. When your heart is ripped from your chest and you are forced to continue, to breathe and to walk it is done in a fog. I'm told the sun will come out and the fog will slowly fade away. I've seen it happen for others. It's just so thick right now that I can't see in front of me.
The mission ahead seems impossible yet I know I have to find my way out of this fog and complete this one last mission in his name.
So many kind words from family and friends. I grab them. I read and reread them. I cry. I laugh. He was so beautiful inside and out. To try to capture his essence in just a few words is impossible. The stories that will cause side-splitting laughter or tears of joy and sadness. He was a story teller. There was not enough time to capture them. I will always regret that I didn't spend more time recording his "Stupid Mikey Stories." They are my treasures. We would spend hours in the evening sitting in bed holding hands and laughing while he told stories. I never cared if it was the fiftieth time I had heard the same one. I laughed or cried just as hard at each telling.
I am thankful for modern social media and the internet. It allows me to grab and keep forever the beauty that he was. I know it will help me cut my way through the fog as time passes.
1 Corinthians 13:13 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three;
but the greatest of these is love.
Comments